Weathered

 10/15/22

Becoming more self aware is a painful experience. Finding the courage to see yourself is really difficult at first, but doing it has been helping me come to terms with where I’m at in my life, how I’ve changed. Except the only thing that’s really changed is my level of self-awareness, from limited ego to multi-faceted diamond. I used to see myself as either angelic, beautiful, and magnetic, or strange, awkward, and creepy. Now I see myself as being for the most part depressively plain and sick looking (honest daylight angles, indoors and outdoors). In some of them I can even look repulsive, and inside of the RV at night time I see the facet that stayed lively, pretty and fun through all the mindfucks I’ve been through over the years.

All of these facets are valid, and several of the ones I’ve found are painful to fully experience, but it’s a quiet, yielding pain now. There’s not as much shame and resistance left, at least when I stay with my intention to fully accept what I see. The mirror I found is an honest friend, which I appreciate today as a 26 year old. It’s really difficult to bear the weight of honesty when you haven't fully integrated your aspects into acceptance. I don’t know if anyone has because of how vast the subconscious is, but the more aspects you integrate the easier it is to accept the reality you find yourself in, and then you can really begin to move forward.

I don’t know if I’ll ever “love myself” in the sense that I’ll be happy with everything I see, because I’m learning that’s not what self love is. Love is understanding yourself. I don’t only understand this because I heard it from someone else, but because I’m discovering that truth through my own experience. When you’re infatuated with someone you see them through rose-colored glasses and they filter out a lot of negative qualities in that person, but when you love someone, you seek to understand them. And you accept even the parts of them you might see as ugly or unpleasant because you can see them clearly, and you don’t reject or deny them.

Self-infatuation is narcissism. It’s falling in “love” with a false ego. Self-love is rooted in honesty, self acceptance, and so importantly, self compassion. Self compassion is something I still haven’t fully embodied, but maybe one day I’ll get there. What I can say for a fact that what I saw in that mirror today was that I can no longer hide from myself the way I used to, because this one is portable and I use it in honest daylight. Makeup doesn’t even begin to cover up my flaws and if anything it just ends up making me look worse.

I took the makeup off after feeling disgusted with what I saw, and really looked in the mirror for 10 minutes or so and I didn’t hold back. I saw that what I can no longer hide is the sickness that’s lived in my mind. The psychological beatings, the warfare, the deep sense of sadness that became so normal I forgot about it, the imbalances that created storms. It’s why I look so weathered. That part of the diamond hides nothing…it’s harsh on the eyes. Like Patricio Dominguez said during his DMT story, “It’s not a very pleasant trip.” And while I’m quoting him I want to make it clear that this is purely a metaphor, and I’m hoping not a disrespectful one in regards to what it’s like to actually meet the Creator through DMT.

You don’t necessarily want to meet the Creator if you’re not ready to. But I’ve been as open as I can be during these times. “The Creator is…huge…deep, wide, tall…and has aspects. Many, many aspects.” I’m guessing that not all of them are pleasant. I want to add that another aspect had sickness as well, and a simultaneously masculine and feminine presence. Very worn down, very human. Overweight. The eyes? Sad, pained, intense, with a lot of strength, wisdom, fascination, innocence, and beaming curiosity. A light shining through the suffering of my humanity, but not easy to look at. A lot of people have turned away. Not all people are easy on the eyes, because Creator is multi-faceted. Not all trips are pleasant.

I've become rough on the eyes, because as a human being I’m not meant to be permanently young, beautiful and pure. I’m not meant to be constantly experiencing the feeling of my own pure, divine love because I was meant to become mortal. At least for a little while, or for as long as I want to be should I become overwhelmed with love again. I’m meant to break down, come undone, and shine my light through the darkness of my humanity in order to find the pieces of art that live in it. The Creator creates the art by discovering it. I’m meant to be imperfect. And when it’s time to go back Home, I’ll be reminded of why love to a human being is so overwhelming.