In 2022 I went through a lot of rough patches. Dark nights. I lost a doggy companion and also grieved the loss of more aspects of myself that fell away. My hair fell out like crazy, and my cognition, organization, and my ability to enjoy life in ways I did before became a little more difficult than they were in 2021.
My OCD had me looping in fearful rituals and constantly doubting myself. My PMDD got me to the point of crippling rage and suicidal ideation along with my bipolar disorder which led to psychotic depression in October. Pills wouldn't work for me anymore, which I'm now seeing as a blessing which was in disguise.
I went through more psychological abuse and dealt some out myself. I had horrible memories that came in like clockwork and tormented me. There were nights I lied awake feeling my heart ache in my chest for hours, wondering why I was never good enough or worthy of the love I felt for others. The sadness I felt almost became addictive, because sorrow felt safer than fear. Sorrow was bedrock for me, and the heartache was a comforting type of pain.
I was looked at with judgement and disgust from others who were looking with judgement and disgust at themselves, and I turned my back to them. I kicked myself when I was already down because I confused myself with my pain, before picking myself back up and offering kind words and compassion, again and again.
There were days I didn't get out of bed, which isn't like me, even though I've had depression for years. The mood cycles came in like storms, hurricanes sometimes, and the weather was more often stormy than sunny. I'd say a good 3/4 of the time. It was a dark year, but not that much darker than the previous ones. 🌒
There was also light. There were days when I went outside and I was a little more present in my life, even though I had to fight through anxiety and brain fog. There were days I found my strength and used it to make healthy choices, and days I found my softness and allowed it to help me accept what I didn't have control over and surrender it.
I observed fear, honored it as a temporary learning experience, and moved through it instead of becoming it and letting it control my actions. I remembered that self image can get distorted in the illusions created by trauma, and the projections of other people who were also feeling insecure about themselves.
I felt a lot of my emotions honestly, when I wasn't fighting them or indulging in them. I fell into my feelings of anxiety, disgust, shame, anger, sadness, love, passion, appreciation, and joy and allowed them to dissipate on their own, and while I did that I was healing and developing acceptance and resilience.
I started writing new narratives, which were destroyed by the hurricanes, and rewritten, over and over again. I discovered that I'm not a 2 bit character who can be easily defined or summarized in a single sentence. I have many chapters.
I'm not summer, fall, winter or spring, I'm all of the seasons. And I'm not a fair weather friend. I'm not a single person, I'm fragmented, and like a diamond, I have many different facets. Whichever one you see is a moment in time.
I told myself the truth, that I am a beautiful, intelligent, strong, and perceptive person among other things, and beyond this body I am love experiencing love. I thought back to the ways I perceived my self when my body and mind were in a state of balance, and the wonderful qualities I was able to acknowledge. And I was reassured that one day the veil will lift and everything will be clear again.
I looked into the mirror I found outside by the dumpster and acknowledged the most difficult things, until the wind knocked it over and shattered it.
I created art.
I cried.
I enjoyed the little things…my meditations, my favorite metal songs and love ballads, playing with our new puppy someone brought over to us on Beltane, my birthday and his new girlfriend Daisy who also happens to be born on Beltane.
I turned my pain into poetry. I created a few fan made music videos for the first time and put them on YouTube and even though I cringe now when I watch them I had a lot of fun making them. I enjoyed new movies and shows and appreciated the artists for creating them, and for helping me get through tough times.
I came face to face with myself in a dream in November while I was picking myself up and dusting myself off after the severe, catalyzing depression I went through in October. When I was consciously choosing to be my own light again by choosing new pathways because I accepted, once again, that my body and brain will no longer tolerate psych meds.
And the synchronicities came, and they didn't fuck around. The universe communicated through not only numbers but repetitive messages and old wounds being triggered, and that loyal pair of crows. My spirit guides…showing me I am protected, and very much in love with beautiful nights and the days that follow them.
This time it wasn't about the deep, weed pulling shadow work so much as cultivating new seeds and giving them sunlight, which I'm learning is just as important for my growth as the storms that water them and removing old roots. The light is starting to clear the fog. I didn't have to dig so deep this time, but the work has still been rewarding and it's only the beginning for me ☀️
